During an evening of Christmas festivities in our neighborhood I saw them and instantly my heart wrenched remembering that my grandmother was gone. I’ve been thinking about her lately; it must be the holidays. I reached my hand through a bevy of bundled children at an outdoor gathering and delicately extracted one through the tops of their knitted hats and parka hoods. It didn’t quite look like hers but I popped one in my mouth anyway. It was disappointing.
Later that evening I saw them again. These were the largest I had ever seen, brought by another guest the homeowner explained. I took a bite and it was as I remembered. Butter, heaps of rich butter, powered sugar and nuts. Tears welled as thoughts of my grandmother flashed as a video in my head and I vowed that I would make them in her memory this year.
My mother always hosts Christmas Eve but she has been very sick this year so I volunteered to save her from herself. My brother and his family are in town and she had assured him that she would sit still and allow the dinner to be prepared without her input but we all know that is impossible. This entire season has been a frantic flurry of parties, late nights, cocktails and friends. It has been FUN. I’m exhausted but overflowing with Holiday Cheer.
I’ve been reminiscing about my grandmother a lot these days and dreamt about my grandfather last night. There’s a melancholy tint to the holidays but I’m surprised at the amazing intensity in which I miss them. She was a child’s dream of a grandmother, soft, warm and loving. We spent hours together as she patiently taught me to bake, knit, crochet and sew. I haven’t done any of those things in decades and have a sudden urge to do so. I miss her. Snowballs make me think of my grandmother.
I wish we could have made ALL of the parties. It has been a fun holiday season and one day when it settles down I’m going to have Janelle knit me a sweater that I’ll never wear. I hope her grandma will be watching over her shoulder so she doesn’t stick herself.